A Pathway Through the Wilderness & Rivers in a Dry Wasteland: July 2014

When I started this journey in March, I weighed 300 lbs, and I now weigh 269 lbs. The last time I saw that weight was so long ago I can't remember! I still have a long road to go before I reach my goal weight of 140 - 150 lbs, but with each pound I fight to take off it gets closer.

The weight loss is minor compared to the other changes that I've been noticing. These are the small steps that keep me going even when the pounds insist on fighting me - and believe me it's been a war! Check out this graph from MyFitnessPal app of my progress over the past 90 days.

Pretty bumpy road there! When I look at this I realize how far I've come and how many steps I have taken to get here. I also am very aware that the journey is not yet over and will never be. Here are some of the steps I've made:

Bending over to tie my shoes and not propping them up on the bed - my shoelaces are now tied straight and not at an angle!
My pants getting looser - I had to find my belt that I haven't work for years the other day just to keep my pants from falling off!
I'm happier, I smile more, I laugh more - I see beauty in things I hadn't before because I am getting out into the world more.
If I drop something on the floor I can SQUAT down and pick it up without asking some else to do it for me. Emphasis on squat because you should never bend over to pick something up - that can injure your back. Just a little something we learned from the Palmer Physical Therapy ladies during Better U Saturdays.
I look forward to working out after work - whether it's going to the YMCA to do cardio and weights, walking at the park, or doing a water class - I like it. It clears my mind.
I find myself dancing around a lot - silly I know. I love music, I hear music even when it's not playing. When I hear a beat I want to dance - have to be careful with that though, breaking out in dance moves in public could cause some strange looks!
Last night when we got back from the store, my husband carried in some of the bags and was coming back out to get the 16 lb bag of charcoal and the 16 lb bag of cat food, only to find that I had put one under each arm and walked up the deck steps without having to hold on to the rails to get up the steps. This took very little effort . . . and I was shocked!
A few days ago I went on a walk in the park behind our neighborhood and walked 3.30 miles (that's over 5K) and felt great after! And this was after working all day.
And for me the most exciting thing so far has been getting into a pair of jeans I love that I haven't been able to wear for at least 2 years!

People keep telling me I'm an inspiration (still haven't figured that one out, but I'll take it) and want to know how I'm doing this. I can't tell them what will work for them, because everyone has to fight their own battles on their journey. I can share what has been working for me:

First and foremost - God. Him and I have had a lot of deep discussions and a few arguments on this journey. He always wins and then I end up winning. He has helped me move when I didn't want to move, He has helped me resist food temptations, He has helped me learn to love myself for the first time in my life.
Reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I swear she is telling my story. Read it.
Doing a lot of soul-searching to figure out how I got where I am now, so I don't repeat the mistakes I made.
Using MyFitnessPal app EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. As of today, I have logged on for 110 days. I use it to track my food intake and my exercise output. I love it, it's simple, and it keeps me accountable to myself.
Using MapMyWalk app for when I take walks. Add some music and I will walk for over an hour!
Parking further from the door at work, stores, wherever I go - I think it's funny to see people at the Y driving around trying to find a close parking spot . . .
Reading blogs, inspiring quotes, Facebook pages of others that have won or are winning their battles.
Being nice to myself - taking a break when I need it, eating an occasional treat, taking those baths, relaxing, chatting with old and new friends, and laughing more.
Setting goals that I would have thought were unattainable a year ago - my big goal is to do several 5k walks this year - 1 in August, 2 in September, and 1 each in October, November, and December. You should join me!
And lastly, making the choice each day to keep moving forward, not matter how chaotic my world is. We choose to be happy in this life or choose to be miserable. I'm choosing to be happy. Life is much too precious to waste killing myself with bad habits, emotional eating, and being lazy

I have enjoyed sharing my story and listening to others tell their stories. It makes me remember how much we all struggle to make it in this life, that we aren't alone, and life is a journey of growth. I hope we all can find beauty and joy along with the bumps along the path.

"Growth… it requires dings. It requires a cracking and breaking and a breaking away from what was to form new. As we move forward, growth may require us to experience a few setbacks. As we develop more, growth may require us to experience some messy situations. As we reach for new, growth may require us to address old, unhealthy patterns or attitudes.
Just like a seed has to experience the dings of cracking and breaking so new growth can come forth, I guess my growth requires the same.
Growth comes as a package deal with lots of dings. “ - Lysa TerKeurst

Hi, my name is Claudia. I have Bipolar II disorder, I'm obese, and I battle my mind and body everyday in order to survive. After a lifetime of dealing with severe depression, with unexpected and uncontrollable crying, thoughts of suicide, then periods of extreme happiness, paralyzing anxiety, and raging anger, I finally decided a few years ago that enough was enough and went into therapy. During the therapy sessions, we came to the conclusion that I was experiencing symptoms that were typical of Bipolar II disorder. I'm on medication now and it helps keep things regulated, but not always - sometimes I still cycle between depression and hypomania. Everyone knows what depression is, but not everyone knows what hypomania is, so here a definition from http://www.medicinenet.com:

Hypomania: A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide.

One of the best things you can do for your mind is take care of your body. Since I have started the Better U Challenge, I have not been on a diet, but I have been learning to change how I live. That's a key word there is LIVE - I don't want to just SURVIVE - I want to LIVE. I eat healthier, cut out a lot (not all) sugars and salt, eat fish a couple of times a week, eat at least 4-5 servings of fruits & veggies most days, I pack my lunch and snacks for the day to take to work, I track my calories and exercise using MyFitnessPal app, and I move more - walking around the office instead of sitting all day, parking far away, going to the YMCA, trying new group exercise classes - but the exercise that has helped me the most psychically and mentally is walking. Good, old fashioned, lace-up the shoes, put the ear-buds in, crank up the music, walking.

For the past week or so, I've been in a hypomanic cycle, after experiencing a pretty bad depression for about a month. My brain doesn't want to shut down (yea insomnia!) and I have a lot of creative thoughts in my head - so tonight instead of going to the YMCA to workout and be around a lot of stinky, not sharing the weight machines, hogging the treadmill, get on my last nerve, people, I decided to go for a walk alone. We have a beautiful park behind our trailer-hood with great walking trails. As I started out walking, listening to Led Zeppelin (which all of their songs are awesome to walk to, but Immigrant Song is killer for getting in fast step rhythm) I was looking at the flowers and the sun and all God's beauty around me and I decided to start taking pictures with my phone. I then realized I was putting a photo journal together of my journey through the wilderness and I found the river in the dry wasteland. Not just my journey to be healthy physically, but my journey to have a healthy mind and to grow closer to God. Hypomania makes me creative and gives me energy, it's really not all that bad. Maybe this is God's way of making me my own unique self, and helping me learn to love myself, and be kind to myself, and realize just how special I am to Him . . . and to the people that love me now and have loved me throughout my lifetime. Oh and by the way, I've lost 30 pounds so far! Below are the pictures I took . . .