The Darkness

Well here it is again. I recognize the symptoms - fear, anger, short-tempered, stressed, insecure, distant, disorganized, frozen, hard to breath, on the verge of tears, insomnia, scared, numb, lonely - the Darkness. A thought flashes across my mind - what if I wasn't here anymore? Would anyone really care?  NO - that thought needs to go away - please go away. 



Ironic that this would hit so hard when the message at church on Sunday was "How do we love the lonely?"  It's been coming for a while though - I've been fighting it, though I should know by now I can't. I know I have people that love me, people I can talk to. Yet I just want to be alone - no that's not right. I don't want to talk. I don't want to explain. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to breath. I want to have joy. I want to feel love. 


Yet there is hope. I know there is. There has to be. My story isn't finished. Please God, let there be hope. Remind me You are there, even in the Darkness. One of the greatest authors in the Bible suffered from depression, so I know I'm not alone. I know You hear my cry. I know - but I don't feel it right now.  

I keep thinking of Mel all alone in her darkness. I feel guilt for not reaching out to her more. Why? Dear God - why? WHY?!?!
What did I miss? Why didn't I help? How can I show Your light when the Darkness overwhelms me? 

I keep trying to find an end to this blog - but there isn't one. So I'll leave this here instead. Right now my soul is not well, but it will be. I choose to praise Him through the Darkness - until there is light again.