There was a fat woman who swallowed . . . ME!

I often joke with my husband that sometimes I look in the mirror and think the woman staring back swallowed ME. My mind doesn't always comprehend the older, obese, out of shape woman that I have become. In my mind I'm still young, thin, and can do anything. Perhaps that's what happens when you end up with your first love. Let me take you back though . . . to 1980 . . . this is my story. 

In 1980, I was 16 years old  I never was a girly-girl, didn't wear makeup very often, my hair was always a mess, I dressed like a hippy most of the time, and I was skinny, weighed 105 pounds!  Most weekend nights were spent with my group of friends at Pawnee Plaza Theater (not there anymore, stupid Wal-mart) seeing a midnight movie. Most of the time it was Rocky Horror Picture Show. On this particular night, I don't remember what we were seeing, but we all met up as usual - there was something unusual though. One of the guys had brought along a friend. There was a lot going on in my life at the time, so I was not really interested in dating anyone. That is until I saw him -  at the moment I met Eugene everyone and everything else disappeared. I first noticed the long, wavy, red hair, then the blue eyes, then the mischievous grin, and my heart skipped a beat when he smiled at me. We talked - okay, flirted - for a few minutes before the movie started. We sat beside each other and before the movie was over we were holding hands. 

After the movie we stood in the parking lot talking, we talked for what seemed like forever, To me everyone else had disappeared and Eugene was the only one there. My hair was short at the time, but I always kept my bangs long so they would cover my eyes. This was my protection, the way I could hide from the pain that encompassed my life back then. At some point, Eugene brushed the hair out of my eyes. As we stared into each others eyes I know that is when our souls connected. Then it was time to go. We exchanged phone numbers and promises to call each other. He did call, and we saw each other the next day, and the next, and the next. There are so many memories - we both loved music, especially Led Zeppelin, and I learned to like Kiss and Alan Parsons Project. We loved the same movies and saw everything from Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Heavy Metal to Song Remains the Same.  We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I told him the bad things that happened to me that I never told anyone else and he held me while I cried. I wrote poems for him and he wrote songs for me. We were in love, deeply in love. 

Circa 1980/81

Then things changed - I felt I wasn't pretty enough or nice enough for him, that I was too damaged, and that I would lose him as soon as he realized this. I started building a wall around my heart and pushed him away. And then it was over. As fate would have it, he married my best friend several months later. Because I loved them both, I agreed to be maid of honor at their wedding. Then I started seeing a guy that wasn't part of our group of friends. I made the decision that to go on with my life and be able to love again, I had to break all ties with Eugene. So I did, but a part of him was always with me. I just learned to bury it deep inside where no one could see it. Eugene's marriage didn't last and he left Kansas, so this made it easier to "forget" him - like that was possible. 

My dad died from heart disease when I was 20 and it broke my heart. After his death, I got married, pregnant, was cheated on, divorced, had Michelle, tried to bury my pain and loneliness with drugs and men, got pregnant again, got married again, stopped using drugs, had Tony, tried to make my marriage work, had Jason, got lied to all the time, and finally decided I was giving up on this marriage thing and was going to raise my kids by myself and never be with anyone again. I got my act together, worked to support us as best I could, threw myself into my kid’s lives by volunteering at their school, and being a Scout leader. I made the decision to go to college so I could become a social worker and help troubled teens like I had always wanted to do. I found out I was really, really good at school and at working with people. I started my career and put all my passion into my kids and my work. Along the way I lost my faith and was pretty angry at God.  I was searching for something that I never could find and nothing really satisfied me. Except for food. I ate, and ate, and got heavier, and fatter, but it didn't fill the hole in my heart. I never forgot Eugene though. Whenever I would hear Led Zeppelin songs it was bittersweet. When I saw a red haired boy, I was transported back in time. Occasionally, I would read the poems I wrote for him and cry. I was alone for 16 years and had decided that once my kids were raised that I would be a fat, happy, crazy, cat lady, that knew love wasn't for her. 

Graduation - May 2003

God had a different plan and even though I wasn't talking to Him, things were set in motion. August 12, 2007 - This was the day I was checking MySpace (prior to Facebook days!) I had a friend request and a new message. I checked the friend request first and it was Eugene - my heart skipped a beat but I accepted the request and looked at his profile. I had so many memories and emotions rushing at me. Then I read the message that he had sent  – "Hello Claudia it's me a ghost from your past. Please contact me if you want to. My number is ####. It's Eugene......."  The following evening I decided to send him my number in a message and see if he would call me – my phone rang right after I pressed send. We talked for about an hour and tried to catch up on what we had each been doing the last 25 years. During our conversation, he told me he didn't have that long, red hair anymore, and I told him I didn't weigh 105 pounds anymore. There was a problem though - Eugene lived in Arkansas, During the next several months through phone calls and visits, we fell in love again, he moved back to Wichita, and in November 2009, we were finally married. God continued working on us both and we eventually came back to Him too. 

Our wedding - Nov 14, 2009 

But back to the fat me swallowing the skinny me . . .though I don't want to go back to being that scared, insecure, unhappy 16 year old, that weighed 105 pounds, I wonder how I ended up like this. How did I allow myself to do this to my body? I didn't really know what to do to change it though. When I auditioned for the Better U Challenge in January, I was desperate and discouraged. I was turning 50 soon and the realization was hitting that I had become my father's daughter. My whole life, I only knew my Daddy as being overweight, didn't exercise, ate unhealthy foods, and was severely depressed. This is who I had become. Even though I was with the love of my life, I was still trying to fill those empty, insecure places with food, which only made me more depressed, and I pondered how I had managed to swallow myself whole. I knew that somewhere inside was the real me, the happy me, but I didn't know how to retrieve her. When I got chosen for the Better U Challenge, I regained hope that I could get me back. And it's happening one step at a time. My life is being saved, my heart is being strengthened, my confidence is returning. I know I won't ever be 105 pounds again and I don't want to be. I do want to be healthy though - I have to live another 25 years to make up for all the time Eugene and I were apart!

True Love Forever

Hearts: A Poem

Heart: 

• the organ in your chest that pumps blood through your veins and arteries
• the vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities

Heart pounding, beating,

Healthy heart, strong heart, living heart. 

Heart failing, weakening,  

Diseased heart, sick heart, dying heart.

The physical heart can be healed, made strong, live, 

with awareness, exercise, diet

or

It can grow weaker, fainter, 

Until it is silent. 

Heart loving, hoping, 

Open heart, kind heart, living heart. 

Heart hurting, aching, 

Closed heart, broken heart, dying heart. 

The emotional heart can be healed, made happy, love,

with compassion, caring, laughter

or

It can grow sadder, harder,

Until it is shattered. 

Lord, heal my hearts, make them whole again. 

The Core

Someone told me today that I was an inspiration to them  . . . over the past month, as I have been sharing my journey on the Better U Challenge, I have had other people tell me that what I was posting on Facebook and in my blog was an inspiration and motivation to them. I don't get it - I'm just doing this for me. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired - of the aches, the pains, the high blood pressure, the headaches . . . I'm fed up with my unhealthy body and I'm determined to make it healthy even if it fights back!

But on Sunday I was having a BAD day. I had cheated too much on my eating the past few days, I was lazy in my workouts at the end of the week, and I desperately was craving chocolate chip ice cream. On top of all that I was frustrated with my hubby (over something I don't even remember now), AND I was already stressing about work on Monday AND my depression was getting the better of me, oh and did I say I was craving chocolate chip ice cream.  In my moment, or hour or two or three, of weakness, I posted on Facebook, "I give up".  I was astounded at what happened next. I had over a dozen comments of encouragement,and gentle chiding, some from friends I didn't even know read my statuses! I was brought to tears as I read these comments. I had not realized until that moment how many people were cheering me on.. So I decided to pull out my wii fit plus balance board and worked out for 20 minutes. And then I ate an apple, not quite chocolate chip ice cream, but it was pretty tasty after I put some cinnamon on it! (That's my snack tip of the week - apple slices with cinnamon on them!) 

I also realized something else. . . I had been so busy, and so absorbed in all the crap happening at work, and so consumed with all the other junk that life throws at you on any given day, that I had left God out of most of my week. Ooops, silly me. So I sat down and had a good long talk with Jesus. I read my Bible and my Made to Crave devotions. One thing we keep learning about in our Better U classes, is strengthening your core or the transverse abdominal muscle (see I learned something!), as this helps prevent injury, improves balance, and builds endurance. My relationship with God is my core and I have let it get weak.  I must strengthen my God core in order to prevent emotional injury, improve my life balance, and build my spiritual endurance. I've wandered away from God so many times in my life and I've seen how much better life is with Him, than without Him. So if I'm an inspiration to anyone, I want it to be in my spiritual health and not just in my physical health.  

My Progress on last weeks Goals:  

1. Take a 30 minute walk at least 3 days this week.  - FAILED
2. Add at least 1 more fruit/vegetable into my diet everyday (I'm averaging about 3, so need to get that up!) - FAILED 

My Goals for this week: April 13 - April 19, 2014, going to stick with last weeks goals because I'm NOT going to fail!:

1. Take a 30 minute walk at least 3 days this week.  
2. Add at least 1 more fruit/vegetable into my diet everyday (I'm averaging about 3, so need to get that up!) 

Verse(s) for this week: 

1 Timothy 4: 8 - Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come. 

Word for this week: 
TRAINING