Getting Lost on the Journey . . .

This blog is a tough one and too long in coming. Today I walked in a 5k - not my first one, and not my last one, though I am having serious doubts about this whole 5k thing. I almost gave up several times on this walk when I realized I was in last place and was a couple of minutes behind the person in front of me. Heck I almost decided to not even go this morning after putting on the shirt for the race that I thought would fit me, but didn't because of the 5 pounds I've gained in the past month. But I went and I finished. Everyone says that's an accomplishment and I shouldn't feel any shame in coming in last. But I do. 

What you can't see in this picture is the negative self-talk, and to be entirely honest the self-loathing going on in my head during this entire walk. This was definitely a tough, emotional day, and I'm still processing it, so decided it's time to write. I'm not someone that likes to make excuses for myself, but the past few months have been really, really, really hard. The Better U Program ended on June 21st, and even though our group promised we wouldn't lose touch and we would stay close, we have. I've seen it happen before - with jobs, church, etc - you make friendships and when you are no longer a part of that thing, you lose touch. It's life - it happens, no one to blame. On July 28th, my mother passed away. She was 90 years old, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, that doesn't make it any easier though. I'm still trying to work through that grief - perhaps another blog at some point, but it's too raw right now. On August 8th, I had a full hysterectomy. It was long overdue and immediate pain relief from years of suffering with endometriosis, but this also put me into instant menopause and all the emotions that come from a lack of hormones. There are also some things going on with my daughter -  lets just say that being a mother never ends and you can't fix things no matter how much you want to, because adults get to make their own decisions - yet it still hurts. 

So needless to say, I've been in a constant struggle with depression for months - and I've reverted to some of my old ways to deal with this. Emotional binge eating, coming home and sitting on the computer instead of going  for walks or to work out, avoiding people . . .Guess what? It doesn't make me feel better! I know this - in my brain, in my heart - yet here I am. Gaining back 5 of the 30 pounds I had lost, losing my energy, fighting my self-esteem issues . . .I've gotten lost on my journey. 

I need to find my way back to the right path. I know it may be a different path than I've traveled before. I just know that I can't go back to where I was when I started this journey back in March. Someway, somehow I need to move forward and keep moving forward. No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself. I'm in a war with myself and I'm the only one that can win it. To be continued . . .

This is an inspirational song for me! 

And just a reminder for myself....