Getting Lost on the Journey . . .

This blog is a tough one and too long in coming. Today I walked in a 5k - not my first one, and not my last one, though I am having serious doubts about this whole 5k thing. I almost gave up several times on this walk when I realized I was in last place and was a couple of minutes behind the person in front of me. Heck I almost decided to not even go this morning after putting on the shirt for the race that I thought would fit me, but didn't because of the 5 pounds I've gained in the past month. But I went and I finished. Everyone says that's an accomplishment and I shouldn't feel any shame in coming in last. But I do. 

What you can't see in this picture is the negative self-talk, and to be entirely honest the self-loathing going on in my head during this entire walk. This was definitely a tough, emotional day, and I'm still processing it, so decided it's time to write. I'm not someone that likes to make excuses for myself, but the past few months have been really, really, really hard. The Better U Program ended on June 21st, and even though our group promised we wouldn't lose touch and we would stay close, we have. I've seen it happen before - with jobs, church, etc - you make friendships and when you are no longer a part of that thing, you lose touch. It's life - it happens, no one to blame. On July 28th, my mother passed away. She was 90 years old, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, that doesn't make it any easier though. I'm still trying to work through that grief - perhaps another blog at some point, but it's too raw right now. On August 8th, I had a full hysterectomy. It was long overdue and immediate pain relief from years of suffering with endometriosis, but this also put me into instant menopause and all the emotions that come from a lack of hormones. There are also some things going on with my daughter -  lets just say that being a mother never ends and you can't fix things no matter how much you want to, because adults get to make their own decisions - yet it still hurts. 

So needless to say, I've been in a constant struggle with depression for months - and I've reverted to some of my old ways to deal with this. Emotional binge eating, coming home and sitting on the computer instead of going  for walks or to work out, avoiding people . . .Guess what? It doesn't make me feel better! I know this - in my brain, in my heart - yet here I am. Gaining back 5 of the 30 pounds I had lost, losing my energy, fighting my self-esteem issues . . .I've gotten lost on my journey. 

I need to find my way back to the right path. I know it may be a different path than I've traveled before. I just know that I can't go back to where I was when I started this journey back in March. Someway, somehow I need to move forward and keep moving forward. No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself. I'm in a war with myself and I'm the only one that can win it. To be continued . . .

This is an inspirational song for me! 

And just a reminder for myself....

Small Steps in a Big Journey

When I started this journey in March, I weighed 300 lbs, and I now weigh 269 lbs. The last time I saw that weight was so long ago I can't remember! I still have a long road to go before I reach my goal weight of 140 - 150 lbs, but with each pound I fight to take off it gets closer.

The weight loss is minor compared to the other changes that I've been noticing. These are the small steps that keep me going even when the pounds insist on fighting me - and believe me it's been a war! Check out this graph from MyFitnessPal app of my progress over the past 90 days.   

Pretty bumpy road there! When I look at this I realize how far I've come and how many steps I have taken to get here. I also am very aware that the journey is not yet over and will never be.  Here are some of the steps I've made: 

• Bending over to tie my shoes and not propping them up on the bed - my shoelaces are now tied straight and not at an angle! 
• My pants getting looser - I had to find my belt that I haven't work for years the other day just to keep my pants from falling off!
• I'm happier, I smile more, I laugh more - I see beauty in things I hadn't before because I am getting out into the world more. 
• If I drop something on the floor I can SQUAT down and pick it up without asking some else to do it for me. Emphasis on squat because you should never bend over to pick something up - that can injure your back. Just a little something we learned from the Palmer Physical Therapy ladies during Better U Saturdays. 
• I look forward to working out after work - whether it's going to the YMCA to do cardio and weights, walking at the park, or doing a water class - I like it. It clears my mind. 
• I find myself dancing around a lot - silly I know. I love music, I hear music even when it's not playing. When I hear a beat I want to dance - have to be careful with that though, breaking out in dance moves in public could cause some strange looks! 
• Last night when we got back from the store, my husband carried in some of the bags and was coming back out to get the 16 lb bag of charcoal and the 16 lb bag of cat food, only to find that I had put one under each arm and walked up the deck steps without having to hold on to the rails to get up the steps. This took very little effort . . . and I was shocked! 
• A few days ago I went on a walk in the park behind our neighborhood and walked 3.30 miles (that's over 5K) and felt great after! And this was after working all day. 
• And for me the most exciting thing so far has been getting into a pair of jeans I love that I haven't been able to wear for at least 2 years! 

People keep telling me I'm an inspiration (still haven't figured that one out, but I'll take it) and want to know how I'm doing this. I can't tell them what will work for them, because everyone has to fight their own battles on their journey. I can share what has been working for me:

• First and foremost - God. Him and I have had a lot of deep discussions and a few arguments on this journey. He always wins and then I end up winning. He has helped me move when I didn't want to move, He has helped me resist food temptations, He has helped me learn to love myself for the first time in my life. 
• Reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I swear she is telling my story. Read it. 
• Doing a lot of soul-searching to figure out how I got where I am now, so I don't repeat the mistakes I made. 
• Using MyFitnessPal app EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. As of today, I have logged on for 110 days. I use it to track my food intake and my exercise output. I love it, it's simple, and it keeps me accountable to myself. 
• Using MapMyWalk app for when I take walks. Add some music and I will walk for over an hour!   
• Parking further from the door at work, stores, wherever I go - I think it's funny to see people at the Y driving around trying to find a close parking spot  . . . 
• Reading blogs, inspiring quotes, Facebook pages of others that have won or are winning their battles.  
• Being nice to myself - taking a break when I need it, eating an occasional treat, taking those baths, relaxing, chatting with old and new friends, and laughing more. 
• Setting goals that I would have thought were unattainable a year ago - my big goal is to do several 5k walks this year - 1 in August, 2 in September, and 1 each in October, November, and December. You should join me! 
• And lastly, making the choice each day to keep moving forward, not matter how chaotic my world is. We choose to be happy in this life or choose to be miserable. I'm choosing to be happy. Life is much too precious to waste killing myself with bad habits, emotional eating, and being lazy

I have enjoyed sharing my story and listening to others tell their stories. It makes me remember how much we all struggle to make it in this life, that we aren't alone, and life is a journey of growth. I hope we all can find beauty and joy along with the bumps along the path. 

"Growth… it requires dings. It requires a cracking and breaking and a breaking away from what was to form new. As we move forward, growth may require us to experience a few setbacks. As we develop more, growth may require us to experience some messy situations. As we reach for new, growth may require us to address old, unhealthy patterns or attitudes. 
Just like a seed has to experience the dings of cracking and breaking so new growth can come forth, I guess my growth requires the same.
Growth comes as a package deal with lots of dings. “ - Lysa TerKeurst

Walking My Way to Sanity: A Photo Journal

Hi,  my name is Claudia. I have Bipolar II disorder, I'm obese, and I battle my mind and body everyday in order to survive. After a lifetime of dealing with severe depression, with unexpected and uncontrollable crying, thoughts of suicide, then periods of extreme happiness, paralyzing anxiety, and raging anger, I finally decided a few years ago that enough was enough and went into therapy. During the therapy sessions, we came to the conclusion that I was experiencing symptoms that were typical of Bipolar II disorder. I'm on medication now and it helps keep things regulated, but not always - sometimes I still cycle between depression and hypomania. Everyone knows what depression is, but not everyone knows what hypomania is, so here a definition from http://www.medicinenet.com: 

Hypomania: A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide.

One of the best things you can do for your mind is take care of your body. Since I have started the Better U Challenge, I have not been on a diet, but I have been learning to change how I live. That's a key word there is LIVE - I don't want to just SURVIVE -  I want to LIVE. I eat healthier, cut out a lot (not all) sugars and salt, eat fish a couple of times a week, eat at least 4-5 servings of fruits & veggies most days, I pack my lunch and snacks for the day to take to work,  I track my calories and exercise using MyFitnessPal app, and I move more - walking around the office instead of sitting all day, parking far away, going to the YMCA, trying new group exercise classes - but the exercise that has helped me the most psychically and mentally is walking. Good, old fashioned, lace-up the shoes, put the ear-buds in, crank up the music, walking. 

For the past week or so, I've been in a hypomanic cycle, after experiencing a pretty bad depression for about a month. My brain doesn't want to shut down (yea insomnia!) and I have a lot of creative thoughts in my head - so tonight instead of going to the YMCA to workout and be around a lot of stinky, not sharing the weight machines, hogging the treadmill, get on my last nerve, people, I decided to go for a walk alone. We have a beautiful park behind our trailer-hood with great walking trails. As I started out walking, listening to Led Zeppelin (which all of their songs are awesome to walk to, but Immigrant Song is killer for getting in fast step rhythm) I was looking at the flowers and the sun and all God's beauty around me and I decided to start taking pictures with my phone. I then realized I was putting a photo journal together of my journey through the wilderness and I found the river in the dry wasteland. Not just my journey to be healthy physically, but my journey to have a healthy mind and to grow closer to God. Hypomania makes me creative and gives me energy, it's really not all that bad. Maybe this is God's way of making me my own unique self, and helping me learn to love myself, and be kind to myself, and realize just how special I am to Him . . . and to the people that love me now and have loved me throughout my lifetime.  Oh and by the way, I've lost 30 pounds so far! Below are the pictures I took . . .  

The wall, the beauty, the growth, the obstacle

The light, the ugliness, the rest

The river, the chaos, the fun, the safety of home

Isaiah 43:19

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

The End of a New Beginning

It's over - the end, finished, complete, kaput, wrapped up, done. My 3 months with the Better U - Go Red Challenge is over. Of course that means it's time for reflection . . . 

As far as the "numbers" go - they are greatly improved! Blood pressure is within normal range for the first time in 5 years, cholesterol is much lower, so far I've lost 25 pounds. But it's the little things that have added up, if you aren't obese you might not understand these things: being able to walk around the zoo all day without having to sit down or being exhausted, having more energy throughout my day, tying my shoes by bending over without propping my foot up on the bed, fewer migraines, pants falling off of me, wanting to go work out after work, picking something up that I dropped without thinking twice about it, the list goes on and on.  

There's been another change though. One that has taking longer to get to. One that's been painful. One that had to be done. One that I had to do alone. I had to figure out how I got to the point of weighing 300 pounds and hating myself. I had to deal with my past, in order to go forward with my future, and not end up back where I was.  

This is the part that's been the hardest and I'm not fully there yet. I know how to get there though, so that's where my journey will continue for now. This is the part I haven't wanted to share and I'm still a little scared, but I think it's important. Please feel free to skip this part . . . 

For as long as I can remember, I've always had low self-esteem. I never felt I was good enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough - just never enough. I hate it when someone compliments me - doesn't matter if its for my appearance, my work, my creativity, my intelligence, my attitude - whatever, I just don't like it and I don't know how to respond other than make a comment back that discounts the compliment.  I'm expert at keeping to myself and feel socially awkward in large groups. We had a girl's night out after our final weekend of Better U and I fought with myself all day to skip out of going (I did go and I'm glad I did, it was fun!)   

Growing up bad  things happened to me and around me. Living with parents that both had a mental illness made life at home unpredictable chaos to say the least. Being sexually abused at different times during my childhood and teen years robbed me of innocence, even though I didn't know it then. Dealing from constant depression made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I thought of suicide often. As a teenager, I kept falling "in love", only to do something to destroy that love when I got scared. And besides I didn't think I was lovable enough - I had nothing to offer to anyone. Back then I coped by listening to music to escape. And there was a small group of friends that stuck around no matter how difficult I made it. And I dreamed - of a better life, of being happy, of escaping, of true love, of not hurting, of helping other kids that were hurting like I was, of being enough. 

As an adult I ended up in several relationships that caused more pain and abuse. More thoughts of suicide, deeper depression, drug use, two failed marriages, poverty - yep I had become a train wreck. But I had my kids, my precious kids, that God sent to save my life, that I would fight for and survive for. I came out from behind my wall to get involved in their school, scouts, start school and my career.  I had a few friends, but no one I was really close to. I coped by eating - food became my friend. And I got FAT.  The pain was still there, the food didn't make it go away, I just learned to mask it better. I still didn't think I was enough.  

God was working on His plans for my life though and one of my dreams came true when I started working with teenagers in trouble with the law. I realized these were just hurting kids, much like I was, and needed someone to care and listen - so I listen. Another dream came true when I married my true love, Eugene. The pain was still there though, dormant at times, catching me off guard when it would reappear, still sabotaging my relationships with people, keeping me behind that wall still. In the past few years I've come to know Jesus in a much deeper way and I know He loves me and that is enough  - no matter how unlovable, how unworthy, how much I feel I'm not enough - He loves me.  

So this isn't really the end of my journey - it's the end of the beginning of a continuing journey through this crazy life of mine. My confidence is building every day and I know I am more than good enough - at my job, as a wife, as a mother, at being a friend, and most of all as a child of God. I've also realized recently that I was good enough even back when I thought I wasn't. That realization came when different people from my past told me how much they trusted me and I was always someone they could talk to and felt safe and comfortable with and I was one of the best friends they had. I didn't know that then, because I didn't think I was enough.  

Next stop on my journey is the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women Ladies' Night Out on July 17th. This is where the Better U participants will be recognized and our stories will be told. It's a time to celebrate that we are all enough!  The only thing that's NOT enough is how much weight I've lost - on that the journey will be a little longer, but I will do it with support from my new friends, my old friends, my husband, and my God. 

Silver & Gold - Stories of Friendship

I've never had a lot of friends, especially of the female species. I'm actually an introverted person and it's hard for me to step out of my bubble and share myself with others. I know - shocking huh?  I've come to realize during my soul-searching lately that to be healthy physically, I need to come to terms with the insecurities that got me here in the first place and learn to be healthy emotionally as well. One of the areas I'm working on is friendships. 

My closest friend is someone who has know me all of my life, well since I was 7 months old! Ruth and I first met when we were babies, her babysitter lived across the street from me, so we grew up together. I cherish the friendship I have with Ruth, she knows me better than I know myself. One of the saddest times I had as a child was when her family moved to North Carolina. I was lost without her! They moved back to Kansas as we were heading into our tween/teen years and most weekends were spent at one or the other's house.

Skateboard stars! 

We shared so many adventures and were inseparable. Ruth still knows things about me that no one else ever will. 
As we became young adults we grew apart. We were both so busy living our own lives, falling and failing in love, that we lost track of each other for a while. Yet when we reconnected, it was like we had never been apart. Even now, we can go for months without talking, but I know she is always there for me. The love I have for Ruth can't be measured in words - she is my heart sister. Ruth is the first one to make a donation for the Heart Walk and this means so much to me. What means even more is something she said in an email, "I've been walking on my treadmill as much as my feet and time will let me. It’s a struggle, more than it really ought to be, just haven’t got the habits in place. I read your blog, and that makes it easier."  

I always felt my friendship with Ruth was lopsided, I took more than I gave and I haven't been there for her as much as she has been there for me. Now I feel I can give something back! Ruth lives in Colorado and it's challenging to keep in touch with our busy lives, but I'm determined to change that. Besides I need some new pictures of us together! Maybe hiking in the Rockies! 

Another close friend is Cindy - while Ruth is my heart sister, Cindy is my BFF.  We first met as tour guides at Crumm Castle, circa 1979-1980, though we really didn't get close then.  A few months later we somehow ended up in the same summer school driver's ed class and our friendship grew from there!  Where Ruth was my tomboy, adventurer friend - Cindy was my girly-girl, boy crazy friend. Cindy and I did manage to have some interesting adventures though, and they usually involved boys, probably best I not tell those stories!  

I had mentioned in a previous blog, that I was never wore makeup much - well Cindy seemed determined to change that. She was always fixing my hair and doing my make-up and I went along with it - after all she made me look good!  

On our way to Rocky Horror! 

Cindy and I have shared a lot, maybe too much. You see, Cindy is the friend that married Eugene after we had broke-up. So her ex-husband is my current husband and her son is my step-son. Cindy was our wedding organizer when Eugene and I got married. I know, I know, we should be on an episode of Jerry Springer!  

Cindy & Eugene with baby Nicholas

   

After Cindy and Eugene divorced, she married a great guy and has 2 beautiful daughters.

Another thing we shared is being non-traditional college students and earning our social work degrees while we were raising kids. She later returned to school and is now a special education teacher. I've always admired Cindy's determination to overcome the obstacles that life threw at her and go after her dreams. 

Perhaps the worse thing we shared though is allowing ourselves to get obese and unhealthy. I think for years, we both tried to convince ourselves we were fat and happy and would always be that way.  

At a wedding in 2011

In 2013, Cindy auditioned for the Better U Challenge and was chosen. I watched her posts on Facebook and saw her transformation through her pictures.  At the time she started Better U, I had been losing weight during a challenge at work. I lost 20 pounds, through diet and exercise, but when I lost after being ahead most of the contest, I became so discouraged I gave up and gained back everything I had lost plus some! I admit I was jealous of Cindy, but that still didn't give me enough determination to continue on. That was until she let me know the American Heart Association was having auditions for the 2014 Go Red Better U Challenge. When I went to the challenge I had the picture of Cindy and I all dressed up for Rocky Horror in my pocket. Cindy was there helping with the auditions. I had not seen her in person since she had started her Better U journey and I was in awe of how good she looked and how full of energy she was. 

What a difference a year makes! 

 Seeing that Cindy can do this is motivation for me. Since she is a Better U alumni, she will help with certain events for this year's challenge and be a mentor. I can't think of a better role for her. I am looking forward to the day when we can recreate our Rocky Horror picture and maybe be brave enough to do the bikini one! 




This isn't the end of my friendship tale though - as the song says, "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, and the other gold." Through the Better U Challenge I have made new friends that inspire me, motivate me, challenge me, and encourage me. I hope that after the Challenge is over in a few short weeks, that we will remain friends. I need these women in my life, as much as I need Ruth and Cindy in my life. I hope that I can as good a friend to these awesome ladies as they have been to me! 

Daddy's Girl

May 2, 1984, part of my heart left me when my Daddy died. My parent's story is somewhat similar to mine and Eugene's. They had been high school sweethearts, broke up, but remained friends, Mom even married one of Dad's best friends.  Elden Ferris was born July 11, 1921, and Grace Neidholt was born November 13, 1923, so they are part of the Greatest Generation. The generation that survived the Great Depression, served admirable in World War II, and created the Baby Boom. My Dad served in the South Pacific, mostly stationed on the Philippine Islands, as an Army TEC4 Medical Specialist. 

After returning from WWII, Dad got married and had 2 sons and 2 daughters. His wife passed away when the kids were still young. Mom had lost her first husband, Dad's friend, in WWII, and was left with a young daughter. She married again and had 3 boys, then divorced. Dad worked as a claims adjuster at Social Security and saw Mom's name come up on a claim for survivor benefits, so he contacted her (I know it wasn't very ethical, but this was the early 1960's!) They married and I came along a couple of years later. Mom was 40, Dad was 42, and my half-siblings ranged in age from 20 to 7, when I was born. The only way I ever remember my Dad looking was bald, with a little white hair, and fat. But he was intelligent and so cool! 

Dad retired from Social Security when I was 7 years old. Growing up, he was the only Dad that went on the school field trips, this was in the 1970's, so that was very rare. All the kids wanted to ride with me because my Dad was going and he was fun! My Dad taught me to love all kinds of music and always took an interest in the music I liked as a teenager. He loved jazz and some of my most cherished items are the Maynard Ferguson albums I inherited from him. My Dad taught me to love books - he read everything, though his favorite genre was Science Fiction. Another cherished possession is The Hobbit book he gave me when I was 12. Issac Asimov was his favorite author and at a young age I read the Foundation Trilogy and loved it! Dad loved animals, especially cats, which is why I don't ever remember being without a cat in my home.

Dad also struggled with his faith, just as I have so often in my life. Yet he did develop a close relationship with God in his final years. He loved listening to the The Gaithers and Doug Oldham and we saw them perform at our church several times. He Touched Me by Gloria Gaither was one of his favorite songs and was sung at his funeral. 

There are so many good memories I have of my Dad, but there are also sad memories. Dad's health was never good and I always had a feeling growing up that my time with him would be short. We were never well off, though Dad worked hard. Even after he retired, he worked as a night custodian. When I was a teenager, we went through some pretty bad times partly due to my own rebellious, stubborn streak, and partly due to the mental illnesses suffered by both of my parents. No matter what I always knew Daddy loved and supported me. I wanted nothing more than to make him proud of me. 

A few days before my 20th birthday, Dad went to the hospital for surgery for carpel-tunnel syndrome, pretty routine surgery. While they were doing the pre-op, they found out his heart was not strong enough for surgery. The next few days were a blur and my memory has faded, but I do remember all of Dad's kids being there the day he had bypass surgery, which was a miracle in itself since one brother lived in New Mexico, one in Oklahoma, and one sister lived in West Virginia. Dad's surgery was on February 28, 1984, which was my 20th birthday. The surgery seemed to last forever, and when the surgeon finally came out to talk to us, he told us that Dad had suffered a stroke while he was coming out from under the anesthesia. He still felt that Dad would recover, but it would take longer. Dad started showing progress after a week, but then took a turn for the worse. I remember sitting with him in ICU, he couldn't talk because he had a tracheotomy, but we were able to communicate with hand signals and he could write. He wanted me to read his Bible to him. I spent as much time with him as I could after work each day. Finally on May 2, 1984, Dad went home to be with Jesus.  

Mom has always told me that I am built like my Dad. As I have become older, I see more of my Dad in me, not only my attitude, likes and dislikes, but my psychical appearance - thank God I'm not bald though!! I know if I don't make changes now, then I may end up with heart disease like my Dad. Dad never met my children, wasn't there when I graduated from college or started my career, yet so much of what I do is because I still want to make my Daddy proud. On June 14th, I will be participating in the American Heart Association Heart Walk with my Better U Teammates. I invite you to donate or better yet, come join us in the walk! Follow this link for more information: http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1075061&supid=406868056    I will be walking in memory of my Dad, but also to save my own life and make Daddy proud. 

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There was a fat woman who swallowed . . . ME!

I often joke with my husband that sometimes I look in the mirror and think the woman staring back swallowed ME. My mind doesn't always comprehend the older, obese, out of shape woman that I have become. In my mind I'm still young, thin, and can do anything. Perhaps that's what happens when you end up with your first love. Let me take you back though . . . to 1980 . . . this is my story. 

In 1980, I was 16 years old  I never was a girly-girl, didn't wear makeup very often, my hair was always a mess, I dressed like a hippy most of the time, and I was skinny, weighed 105 pounds!  Most weekend nights were spent with my group of friends at Pawnee Plaza Theater (not there anymore, stupid Wal-mart) seeing a midnight movie. Most of the time it was Rocky Horror Picture Show. On this particular night, I don't remember what we were seeing, but we all met up as usual - there was something unusual though. One of the guys had brought along a friend. There was a lot going on in my life at the time, so I was not really interested in dating anyone. That is until I saw him -  at the moment I met Eugene everyone and everything else disappeared. I first noticed the long, wavy, red hair, then the blue eyes, then the mischievous grin, and my heart skipped a beat when he smiled at me. We talked - okay, flirted - for a few minutes before the movie started. We sat beside each other and before the movie was over we were holding hands. 

After the movie we stood in the parking lot talking, we talked for what seemed like forever, To me everyone else had disappeared and Eugene was the only one there. My hair was short at the time, but I always kept my bangs long so they would cover my eyes. This was my protection, the way I could hide from the pain that encompassed my life back then. At some point, Eugene brushed the hair out of my eyes. As we stared into each others eyes I know that is when our souls connected. Then it was time to go. We exchanged phone numbers and promises to call each other. He did call, and we saw each other the next day, and the next, and the next. There are so many memories - we both loved music, especially Led Zeppelin, and I learned to like Kiss and Alan Parsons Project. We loved the same movies and saw everything from Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Heavy Metal to Song Remains the Same.  We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I told him the bad things that happened to me that I never told anyone else and he held me while I cried. I wrote poems for him and he wrote songs for me. We were in love, deeply in love. 

Circa 1980/81

Then things changed - I felt I wasn't pretty enough or nice enough for him, that I was too damaged, and that I would lose him as soon as he realized this. I started building a wall around my heart and pushed him away. And then it was over. As fate would have it, he married my best friend several months later. Because I loved them both, I agreed to be maid of honor at their wedding. Then I started seeing a guy that wasn't part of our group of friends. I made the decision that to go on with my life and be able to love again, I had to break all ties with Eugene. So I did, but a part of him was always with me. I just learned to bury it deep inside where no one could see it. Eugene's marriage didn't last and he left Kansas, so this made it easier to "forget" him - like that was possible. 

My dad died from heart disease when I was 20 and it broke my heart. After his death, I got married, pregnant, was cheated on, divorced, had Michelle, tried to bury my pain and loneliness with drugs and men, got pregnant again, got married again, stopped using drugs, had Tony, tried to make my marriage work, had Jason, got lied to all the time, and finally decided I was giving up on this marriage thing and was going to raise my kids by myself and never be with anyone again. I got my act together, worked to support us as best I could, threw myself into my kid’s lives by volunteering at their school, and being a Scout leader. I made the decision to go to college so I could become a social worker and help troubled teens like I had always wanted to do. I found out I was really, really good at school and at working with people. I started my career and put all my passion into my kids and my work. Along the way I lost my faith and was pretty angry at God.  I was searching for something that I never could find and nothing really satisfied me. Except for food. I ate, and ate, and got heavier, and fatter, but it didn't fill the hole in my heart. I never forgot Eugene though. Whenever I would hear Led Zeppelin songs it was bittersweet. When I saw a red haired boy, I was transported back in time. Occasionally, I would read the poems I wrote for him and cry. I was alone for 16 years and had decided that once my kids were raised that I would be a fat, happy, crazy, cat lady, that knew love wasn't for her. 

Graduation - May 2003

God had a different plan and even though I wasn't talking to Him, things were set in motion. August 12, 2007 - This was the day I was checking MySpace (prior to Facebook days!) I had a friend request and a new message. I checked the friend request first and it was Eugene - my heart skipped a beat but I accepted the request and looked at his profile. I had so many memories and emotions rushing at me. Then I read the message that he had sent  – "Hello Claudia it's me a ghost from your past. Please contact me if you want to. My number is ####. It's Eugene......."  The following evening I decided to send him my number in a message and see if he would call me – my phone rang right after I pressed send. We talked for about an hour and tried to catch up on what we had each been doing the last 25 years. During our conversation, he told me he didn't have that long, red hair anymore, and I told him I didn't weigh 105 pounds anymore. There was a problem though - Eugene lived in Arkansas, During the next several months through phone calls and visits, we fell in love again, he moved back to Wichita, and in November 2009, we were finally married. God continued working on us both and we eventually came back to Him too. 

Our wedding - Nov 14, 2009 

But back to the fat me swallowing the skinny me . . .though I don't want to go back to being that scared, insecure, unhappy 16 year old, that weighed 105 pounds, I wonder how I ended up like this. How did I allow myself to do this to my body? I didn't really know what to do to change it though. When I auditioned for the Better U Challenge in January, I was desperate and discouraged. I was turning 50 soon and the realization was hitting that I had become my father's daughter. My whole life, I only knew my Daddy as being overweight, didn't exercise, ate unhealthy foods, and was severely depressed. This is who I had become. Even though I was with the love of my life, I was still trying to fill those empty, insecure places with food, which only made me more depressed, and I pondered how I had managed to swallow myself whole. I knew that somewhere inside was the real me, the happy me, but I didn't know how to retrieve her. When I got chosen for the Better U Challenge, I regained hope that I could get me back. And it's happening one step at a time. My life is being saved, my heart is being strengthened, my confidence is returning. I know I won't ever be 105 pounds again and I don't want to be. I do want to be healthy though - I have to live another 25 years to make up for all the time Eugene and I were apart!

True Love Forever

Hearts: A Poem

Heart: 

• the organ in your chest that pumps blood through your veins and arteries
• the vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities

Heart pounding, beating,

Healthy heart, strong heart, living heart. 

Heart failing, weakening,  

Diseased heart, sick heart, dying heart.

The physical heart can be healed, made strong, live, 

with awareness, exercise, diet

or

It can grow weaker, fainter, 

Until it is silent. 

Heart loving, hoping, 

Open heart, kind heart, living heart. 

Heart hurting, aching, 

Closed heart, broken heart, dying heart. 

The emotional heart can be healed, made happy, love,

with compassion, caring, laughter

or

It can grow sadder, harder,

Until it is shattered. 

Lord, heal my hearts, make them whole again. 

The Core

Someone told me today that I was an inspiration to them  . . . over the past month, as I have been sharing my journey on the Better U Challenge, I have had other people tell me that what I was posting on Facebook and in my blog was an inspiration and motivation to them. I don't get it - I'm just doing this for me. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired - of the aches, the pains, the high blood pressure, the headaches . . . I'm fed up with my unhealthy body and I'm determined to make it healthy even if it fights back!

But on Sunday I was having a BAD day. I had cheated too much on my eating the past few days, I was lazy in my workouts at the end of the week, and I desperately was craving chocolate chip ice cream. On top of all that I was frustrated with my hubby (over something I don't even remember now), AND I was already stressing about work on Monday AND my depression was getting the better of me, oh and did I say I was craving chocolate chip ice cream.  In my moment, or hour or two or three, of weakness, I posted on Facebook, "I give up".  I was astounded at what happened next. I had over a dozen comments of encouragement,and gentle chiding, some from friends I didn't even know read my statuses! I was brought to tears as I read these comments. I had not realized until that moment how many people were cheering me on.. So I decided to pull out my wii fit plus balance board and worked out for 20 minutes. And then I ate an apple, not quite chocolate chip ice cream, but it was pretty tasty after I put some cinnamon on it! (That's my snack tip of the week - apple slices with cinnamon on them!) 

I also realized something else. . . I had been so busy, and so absorbed in all the crap happening at work, and so consumed with all the other junk that life throws at you on any given day, that I had left God out of most of my week. Ooops, silly me. So I sat down and had a good long talk with Jesus. I read my Bible and my Made to Crave devotions. One thing we keep learning about in our Better U classes, is strengthening your core or the transverse abdominal muscle (see I learned something!), as this helps prevent injury, improves balance, and builds endurance. My relationship with God is my core and I have let it get weak.  I must strengthen my God core in order to prevent emotional injury, improve my life balance, and build my spiritual endurance. I've wandered away from God so many times in my life and I've seen how much better life is with Him, than without Him. So if I'm an inspiration to anyone, I want it to be in my spiritual health and not just in my physical health.  

My Progress on last weeks Goals:  

1. Take a 30 minute walk at least 3 days this week.  - FAILED
2. Add at least 1 more fruit/vegetable into my diet everyday (I'm averaging about 3, so need to get that up!) - FAILED 

My Goals for this week: April 13 - April 19, 2014, going to stick with last weeks goals because I'm NOT going to fail!:

1. Take a 30 minute walk at least 3 days this week.  
2. Add at least 1 more fruit/vegetable into my diet everyday (I'm averaging about 3, so need to get that up!) 

Verse(s) for this week: 

1 Timothy 4: 8 - Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come. 

Word for this week: 
TRAINING