Confession Time

I have a confession - I HATE being slow!!! I know, I know - I'm faster than everyone on the couch . . .and though I keep plugging along, I'm beginning to think I am destined to be forever slow and always at the very back of the back. This is why the turtle has become my spirit animal. 

Getting ready to cross the finish line with Michelle. 

I have another confession - I know I have to work harder at losing weight and eating healthier if I'm going to get any faster. I've really been emotionally eating for the past year and most the pounds I lost have crept back on. I could come up with all sorts of excuses, but instead I'd rather focus on solutions. Even though I try to convince myself I'm doing the best I can, I know I can do better. When I look at the pictures from the Run With The Bulls race I did on last Friday, I can see how much weight I've put back on and it's depressing. 

And my final confession - I'm dealing with a lot of pain. Whether is the extra  pounds, the crappy food, lack of cross training, getting old, or something else is going on, the pain in my back, knees, feet - heck my entire body is not making me a happy camper. My feet also go numb after wogging a mile. I have my yearly physical next week so going to see if the doctor and I can find some causes and solutions. 

We have been doing a study at church the past couple of weeks called "A Way Out", about how God gives us a way out of temptation. I know one of my greatest temptations is food, but I also know I can depend on God and ask Him to help me fight this temptation - in other words He will give me A Way Out.  I read the following in blog and it really hit home: 

"If you decided today that your body belongs to Christ, what would you want to stop doing? What do you need from God to make this change?" 

So I decided it's time to come up with a game plan:

1. Start using MyFitnessPal again DAILY to record my food intake. This has been successful for me in the past, so I know it is a good tool to use. Today I put in my current weight, tweaked my goal that I had set a year ago, and I set reminders to record every meal. 
2. Reread my "Made to Crave" book by Lisa Terkeurst. Once again this helped me a lot in the past and made me look at the reasons I emotionally eat. I need to be reminded again.  
3. PRAY - ask God to help me resist the temptation to buy/eat sweets and chips AND increase my desire for healthy foods. I know this is going to be on ongoing, minute-by-minute conversation with God!  

The Fall No Boundaries 5k Walk/Run Training started on Monday. I am coaching the walking group again and I've already seen I'm going to have to push myself more to keep up with my group!  I may never win a race, but yet walking/running has taught me so much about myself and given me a confidence that has impacted my life in positive ways. I'm not sure why God put me on this particular journey, but I'm going to continue on it no matter what the obstacles and challenges. Someday I will  complete a 5k in under an hour!!! 

 

Off to the Races - Setting New Goals

Been a while since I've written anything, so I figured it was time for an update! For those that recall my post from January 2015, I had just started running and joined the Go Run Start 2 Finish program to train for a 10k. I learned a lot about myself during the training from February to May. I discovered that running is just as tough mentally as it is physically. I also have developed a love for turtles! 

As part of the S2F training, the group did the Run2Believe 5k on March 21st. My official time was 1:00:33, pace 19:31. That was my fastest time yet! It was a fun race and I was able to run most of it with a few walk breaks. Hubby was there to support and my friend Patti ran the race too! 















Next race was the Thin Mint Sprint 5k and Relay.  A group of our turtle runners from S2F, decided we would do the 5k for fun and also do the relay. My friend Tracy also decided this would be her first 5k!! 

I hadn't been feeling very good for a few days before the race though and I wasn't able to give my best. My official time was 1:04:02, pace 20:37. It was a beautiful route for the race and the relay after was fun, especially since we were the only adult team and the rest were all Girl Scouts. Our relay team rocked our Ninja Turtle shirts!       


On May 3rd was the Prairie Fire 5k. Prairie Fire is the race for Wichita runners. This is the largest race I've ever been a part of it and it was a little intimidating. I set a goal to complete this one in an hour or under. Tracy decided to run this one as well and my sweet friend Fleeper (Stephanie) joined in the fun for her first 5k. 



As usual, I came in last, but my time was exactly 1 hour!! I posted this on my Facebook page after: 
Never give up, keep moving forward - my journey has gone much slower than I wanted, but it's my journey and as long as I kept following where God leads me I will get to where I'm supposed to be. I don't know if I will ever get below 200 pounds, I don't know if I will ever be able to run a 15 minute mile - I do know my mental health is stronger and my faith is stronger. I never would have thought I would become a runner (still have my doubts that I am!), I never would have thought that so many people would tell me how I inspire them - God's plan for me is much different than I thought it would be, but I kind of like His plan and I'm excited to see where I'm heading in the next year!! Find your inspiration and motivation inside yourself - it's there, you just have to dig to find it and then not let it go.

And finally it was time . . . all the training, the self-doubt, the encouragement from others, keeping in mind my goal to complete a 10k for Leslie . . . May 17th was race day! I set my goals to 1. complete the entire 10k, and 2. finish in 2 hours.  This was a new race for women only - the Sweet Escape 10k. I figured this one called for a tutu - probably not my best decision, since the race was in the evening and it was hot!!  

My time was 2:18:52, pace 22:21 - I came in dead last. It was a hard race - my hands swelled, I wasn't able to run much of it at all, my foot feel asleep, and I argued with myself the entire time to not give up The message at church that morning was about loving each other. I experienced so much love and support from my new S2F friends and several other friends that came out to run the race (Patti, Tracy, Amy, Cindy, and Heather). Several of them, including my husband, came back the last mile to support me on the last stretch after they had finished their race. And the butterflies that Leslie loved so much were fluttering around everywhere!  I prayed through most of the race and kept repeating Philippians 4:13, which was one of my Mom's favorite verses and has become mine on this journey. 

I took a break in June from races and did the Heart Walk with my Better U sisters, hubby, and my BFF Cindy. 

 

Also, in June I started the Go Run/Fleet Feet No Boundaries Walk/Run 5k training program . . . I'm actually "coaching" the walking group, so haven't been doing much running.  On my journey I have gone from running in below freezing temps with snow on the ground to walking in 100+ temps with humidity so thick it's hard to breath. I'm still slow, but I'm moving forward. 

My daughter is doing the No Boundaries program with me also and it's been wonderful getting to spend time with her!  Our goal race is on August 14th - it's a small race for Maize South High School, called Run with the Bulls. I fully expect to come in last, but this time Michelle will be there with me!  

Now it's time to set some new goals: 

• September 12 - Race 4 Freedom 5k, I walked this one last year and came in near the back, so I want to run part of it this time and not be last
• October 1 - Prairie Fire Fall 5k, this will be the goal race for the No Boundaries group that I will be coaching with again. 
• November 7 - Culture Dash 5k
• November 22 - Turkey Trot 2 mile
• December - to be determined 
• Get back to eating right and losing weight 
• Start a regular strength workout program
• Decide on my goals for 2016 . . . .always moving forward on my pathway through the wilderness!! 

Grace

This evening as I was doing my run, I spent time praying and thinking.  I've been sad lately, I know why, and I'm trying to stay positive and be strong as this too shall pass. Grief is a sneaky little beast of an emotion. The song, Brokenness Aside, came on my playlist as I was nearing the end of my run and the first part really stuck out to me: 

"Will your grace run out if I let you down, 'Cause all I know is how to run."

As spring is coming, there are so many things that remind me of my Mom. Seeing her Bambi statue in the yard, the jonquils, the forsythia bushes, the redbuds - all the things about spring that she loved. I haven't been able to write about Mom yet, not even sure I can now, but she is always on my mind. She passed away at 90-years-old on July 28, 2014, and a piece of me left this earth with her. Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship, as is the case with a lot of mothers and daughters, but it was magnified because of her mental illness. That part I'm not ready to talk about yet though. I have forgiven her and now there is room for the good memories. I hope she forgave me. So some random thoughts came into my head tonight:  

• I started the Coach 2 5K app the day before what would have been Mom's 91st birthday - maybe I was running from my grief 
• Mom's name is Grace - grace is an amazing thing and something I need to practice more of
• As I was growing up Mom used to take daily walks and tell anyone she saw about Jesus. Even though we didn't live in the best neighborhood she never seemed to be afraid someone would harm her on her walks, after all she had Jesus with her - I'm not afraid to run by myself, I have Jesus with me too
• I have a fear I am going to let everyone, including myself, down if I fail at running the entire 10K in May - I wonder what Mom was afraid at failing at
• I wish I could talk to Mom - I was never able to tell her the Better U program and how I was getting healthier, her mind was slipping the last few months of her life
• Running has become my escape from grief for Mom and my friend Leslie - it has made me feel happy again 
• Jesus loves me - all the time - every broken piece of me
• I really miss Mom
• I see more of myself in Mom everyday and sometimes it startles me 
• I need to spend more time with the people I love before it's too late

Someone sent me this poem after Mom passed and it's so true: 

Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and
perfume that she wore.
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well.
She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a
rainbow. She is Christmas morning.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every teardrop.
A mother shows every emotion .......... happiness, sadness, fear,
jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, 
sorrow... and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good
feelings in life. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's 
the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love; your first friend, even your first enemy, but
nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not 
even death!

 Author: unknown

I miss my Mom and I wish she was here.

#irun4leslie - The Wind Beneath My Wings (Feet)

I met Leslie Lehman sometime around my second year in college. We were both in the Social Work program at Wichita State University and both non-traditional (aka: old) students. One of the requirements for getting a degree in Social Work was to take a foreign language class - actually 15 hours or 3 semesters! Leslie and I started in same beginning Spanish class. We knew each other a little from some of the Social Work classes we were taking, so sat together during Spanish. We would study together during lunch at the Student Center and become good friends. We scheduled our next 2 semesters of Spanish classes together, and our lunches study times continued. We somehow managed to drag each other through those horrendous Spanish classes, though I don't think we ever retained anything!  When we weren't studying together we talked about our kids, our hopes for our careers, and God. At the time I had was far away from God and didn't understand anything about having a personal relationship with Him. Leslie would pray with me though and reminded me that Jesus still loved me anyway, even though I wasn't entirely convinced. As we moved into doing our internships - her doing substance abuse counseling with teens and me in juvenile probation - we would talk about some of our cases (not breaking confidentiality of course!) 

One of our last semesters we had our Social Work Research class together. It was a requirement of this class to do a group research project together. Leslie and I managed to convince the professor to let us work as a team and not have anyone else in our group. We had both been burned on group projects before, but knew we could depend on each other to get through this tough assignment. This was a Spring semester class, started in January, ended in May. We decided to do our research project on "What Do People Define as a Sex?" This was during the time of the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, where Bill said he did not have sexual relations with that woman! We made our research proposal and after it was accepted by our professor, we created a survey to give out to students in some of our social work classes and the Human Sexuality class. Then disaster struck for me in April, just as we were getting ready to distribute our survey. . .I fell on the steps of my apartment and broke both bones in my ankle. I had to have surgery, physical therapy, and had to stay off my leg for a month. Leslie and I came up with a plan where she got all the survey's done at school and I was able to enter the data at home. She collected assignments from my other classes and brought them to me. If it weren't for Leslie I would have lost that semester and had to start it over. 

We both earned our Bachelors of Arts, I went on with my career as a juvenile probation officer, and Leslie stayed in school and completed her Master's in Social Work. She always worked for agencies that helped kids, most of that time spent working with abused and neglected children. We would run into each other at the court house, Quik Trip, and other random places during the next several years. It always brightened my day when I would see her, but we never seemed to have enough time to catch up though. The last time I saw Leslie was March 2014, at Winter Jam. We chatted for a while and even managed to friend each other on Facebook. It was great being able to have a connection with her again, I even found out her daughter was a friend of mine from church, talk about God having His hand over our lives! 

I began my Better U journey with the American Heart Association in March also. At times when I made a discouraging post on Facebook, Leslie would make a comment that would help me get back on track: 

"You are a survivor, how many times did you make that after the ankle break. And walking hurt but you walked. Honey this is nothing compare to the life you have already survived and this will make you live life happier with less pain. Give it a week. Then another week then another week. As they say this too shall pass." 

"Claudia, while you exercise begin to pray short prayers with the pace of your breathing. As you allow Him to take control your breathing will become more relaxed and your prayers will become longer. Just like a woman in labor find a focal point and relax into His arms. You are amazing and You are a Princess of the King. Your mark is always ahead of you and not behind you."

"Oh no you don't Little Missy. These words are no longer in your vocabulary. Try these "I can do ALL things in Christ." You are in Christ so venture on." 

"Just keep moving. When you dont go to the gym walk a little faster throughout your day. Do not be disappointed in yourself it will defeat you before your day begins. The challenge is not the gym, the challenge is your self messages - start changing how you speak to yourself.so you can start hearing the words spoken to you by people who truly know how amazing your heart is, Listen to God he calls You a Temple and Beautiful Daughter." 

After my Mother passed away in July, Leslie commented this on one of my posts: 

"...I promise there will be a day you will be able to breathe in deeply again. As the brick of grief will lighten. Just remember grief lasts a lifetime, but always hurts worse in the beginning. Our society made up the three to five day rule for grief and somehow we mistakenly began to believe something was wrong with us if we could not get over the lose of a Significant person in our lives, so we began to call it depression. If you own your grief allow yourself to mourn and cry. Go through all five steps, which will take longer than the five days allotted by your job, you will begin to heal and celebrate the life lost...And I promise one day ten years from now you will pick up the phone to call mom, to ask her a question or share good news; then laugh, shed a small tear because you will have to figure it out on your own, and celebrate how happy she made you." 

I was excited when Leslie let me know she was planning on doing the Race for Freedom 5K in September, which would be my first 5K walk. I remember looking for her in the huge crowd, but not finding her. She commented later that she wasn't feeling well, so wasn't able to make it. In October, Leslie was diagnosed with cancer and was going to start treatment. In November, even though she was in pain and sick, she took the time to send me encouraging comments . . .and something in her words made me start thinking I could become a runner.  

January 17, 2015, Leslie went home to be with Jesus. I miss her so much - though we didn't see each other much, I loved her and I know she loved me. I miss her encouraging words, I miss running into her around town, and getting a hug. When I heard she had passed away I knew that my Start 2 Finish 10K training and my race on May 17th would be dedicated to Leslie. Without her I would never have dreamed I could even do this. Leslie's family played the song, The Wind Beneath My Wings, at her memorial service. For me Leslie is the Wind Beneath My Feet - when I run I pray, when I feel like giving up I hear her voice telling me that I'm strong and I can't give up. Leslie was my hero in so many ways. I wanted so much to be able to spend more time with her, but that wasn't in the plan.  I miss my friend and can't wait to see her again. 

Rest with Jesus, Leslie

FORWARD - My Goal for 2015

Looking Back on My Journey: 

2014 - The 1st half of the year was good. I was chosen for the Better U Challenge, gained some new friends, lost weight, learned about fitness and nutrition - life was good in general. Then the program ended, a few weeks later my Mom died, and I had a complete hysterectomy. The 2nd half of the year was hard. There were bright spots, but there were some really dark places. I met some of my goals, while others I failed at. I ended the year gaining back some weight and losing my motivation for working out, but I did keep to my goal to walk in several charity walks.  

A Lesson Learned from My Daughter: 

On November 1, 2014, I walked in the Culture Dash 5K. I came in dead-last. I felt defeated. One of the pictures taken at the event was the one below. I posted it on Facebook, because I feel it's important to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of my journey. My daughter, Michelle, made a comment on this picture that really got me to thinking: "Mommy you are always looking down in every picture I see of you walking! Maybe, you should try looking up!"  I realized just how right she was - I had started walking because I enjoyed the peacefulness, the views, the sounds, even taking pictures along my path. Somehow, I had lost that enjoyment. 

My next walk was the 2 mile Turkey Trot on November 23, 2014.  I set some goals for the day: not to finish last, a 20 minute mile, and to go across the finish line with my head up and a smile on my face. I didn't come in last, my mile time was 20:10, and below is the picture when I crossed the finish line. Michelle's words made me keep my head up during the race. 

2015 - The Year of Moving Forward: 

for-ward

• near or belonging to the front part of something
• moving or directed ahead or toward the front
• moving toward the future or toward a more advanced state or condition

This is my One Word for the year - FORWARD - to move forward, keeping my eyes forward. Even when I stumble, I will look forward and not back anymore. Somewhere along all the walks I did last year, I began to dream of running. Right before the Turkey Trot, I started using a Coach 2 5K app and had started on week 1. I found out I actually liked running  . . . okay in my case it's more like a slow turtle crawl, but I like it! For Christmas I told my family I wanted fitness/running stuff - and they came through! My daughter made me 2 headbands to wear, my oldest son & his girlfriend got me some running sock, that even tell me which foot they go on and they don't slip. My husband got me awesome kitten gloves (because kittens make everything better!), a Buff, and a Fitbit Zip. I completed a virtual 5K on New Year's Day . . .at my usual turtle pace, mostly walking, but I did job about a third of it. By the way it was 25 degrees out! 

Then I really started thinking crazy . . .I went to the info session for the Start 2 Finish Training Program at GoRun Wichita and signed up for a training program that my youngest son paid for as my Christmas gift. My training program starts February 9th, and I will be running in the Sweet Escape 10K on May 17th! 

I am excited and terrified at the same time!! I have NEVER been an athlete and would do everything I could to avoid physical activity most of my life. So now at age 50, I'm not sure what in the world has come over me. I've prayed a lot about it (i.e. argued with God) and I feel this is the next step I'm to take on my journey. 

So here I go - FORWARD . . .