The End of a New Beginning

It's over - the end, finished, complete, kaput, wrapped up, done. My 3 months with the Better U - Go Red Challenge is over. Of course that means it's time for reflection . . . 

As far as the "numbers" go - they are greatly improved! Blood pressure is within normal range for the first time in 5 years, cholesterol is much lower, so far I've lost 25 pounds. But it's the little things that have added up, if you aren't obese you might not understand these things: being able to walk around the zoo all day without having to sit down or being exhausted, having more energy throughout my day, tying my shoes by bending over without propping my foot up on the bed, fewer migraines, pants falling off of me, wanting to go work out after work, picking something up that I dropped without thinking twice about it, the list goes on and on.  

There's been another change though. One that has taking longer to get to. One that's been painful. One that had to be done. One that I had to do alone. I had to figure out how I got to the point of weighing 300 pounds and hating myself. I had to deal with my past, in order to go forward with my future, and not end up back where I was.  

This is the part that's been the hardest and I'm not fully there yet. I know how to get there though, so that's where my journey will continue for now. This is the part I haven't wanted to share and I'm still a little scared, but I think it's important. Please feel free to skip this part . . . 

For as long as I can remember, I've always had low self-esteem. I never felt I was good enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough - just never enough. I hate it when someone compliments me - doesn't matter if its for my appearance, my work, my creativity, my intelligence, my attitude - whatever, I just don't like it and I don't know how to respond other than make a comment back that discounts the compliment.  I'm expert at keeping to myself and feel socially awkward in large groups. We had a girl's night out after our final weekend of Better U and I fought with myself all day to skip out of going (I did go and I'm glad I did, it was fun!)   

Growing up bad  things happened to me and around me. Living with parents that both had a mental illness made life at home unpredictable chaos to say the least. Being sexually abused at different times during my childhood and teen years robbed me of innocence, even though I didn't know it then. Dealing from constant depression made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I thought of suicide often. As a teenager, I kept falling "in love", only to do something to destroy that love when I got scared. And besides I didn't think I was lovable enough - I had nothing to offer to anyone. Back then I coped by listening to music to escape. And there was a small group of friends that stuck around no matter how difficult I made it. And I dreamed - of a better life, of being happy, of escaping, of true love, of not hurting, of helping other kids that were hurting like I was, of being enough. 

As an adult I ended up in several relationships that caused more pain and abuse. More thoughts of suicide, deeper depression, drug use, two failed marriages, poverty - yep I had become a train wreck. But I had my kids, my precious kids, that God sent to save my life, that I would fight for and survive for. I came out from behind my wall to get involved in their school, scouts, start school and my career.  I had a few friends, but no one I was really close to. I coped by eating - food became my friend. And I got FAT.  The pain was still there, the food didn't make it go away, I just learned to mask it better. I still didn't think I was enough.  

God was working on His plans for my life though and one of my dreams came true when I started working with teenagers in trouble with the law. I realized these were just hurting kids, much like I was, and needed someone to care and listen - so I listen. Another dream came true when I married my true love, Eugene. The pain was still there though, dormant at times, catching me off guard when it would reappear, still sabotaging my relationships with people, keeping me behind that wall still. In the past few years I've come to know Jesus in a much deeper way and I know He loves me and that is enough  - no matter how unlovable, how unworthy, how much I feel I'm not enough - He loves me.  

So this isn't really the end of my journey - it's the end of the beginning of a continuing journey through this crazy life of mine. My confidence is building every day and I know I am more than good enough - at my job, as a wife, as a mother, at being a friend, and most of all as a child of God. I've also realized recently that I was good enough even back when I thought I wasn't. That realization came when different people from my past told me how much they trusted me and I was always someone they could talk to and felt safe and comfortable with and I was one of the best friends they had. I didn't know that then, because I didn't think I was enough.  

Next stop on my journey is the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women Ladies' Night Out on July 17th. This is where the Better U participants will be recognized and our stories will be told. It's a time to celebrate that we are all enough!  The only thing that's NOT enough is how much weight I've lost - on that the journey will be a little longer, but I will do it with support from my new friends, my old friends, my husband, and my God.