What you can't see in this picture is the negative self-talk, and to be entirely honest the self-loathing going on in my head during this entire walk. This was definitely a tough, emotional day, and I'm still processing it, so decided it's time to write. I'm not someone that likes to make excuses for myself, but the past few months have been really, really, really hard. The Better U Program ended on June 21st, and even though our group promised we wouldn't lose touch and we would stay close, we have. I've seen it happen before - with jobs, church, etc - you make friendships and when you are no longer a part of that thing, you lose touch. It's life - it happens, no one to blame. On July 28th, my mother passed away. She was 90 years old, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, that doesn't make it any easier though. I'm still trying to work through that grief - perhaps another blog at some point, but it's too raw right now. On August 8th, I had a full hysterectomy. It was long overdue and immediate pain relief from years of suffering with endometriosis, but this also put me into instant menopause and all the emotions that come from a lack of hormones. There are also some things going on with my daughter - lets just say that being a mother never ends and you can't fix things no matter how much you want to, because adults get to make their own decisions - yet it still hurts.
So needless to say, I've been in a constant struggle with depression for months - and I've reverted to some of my old ways to deal with this. Emotional binge eating, coming home and sitting on the computer instead of going for walks or to work out, avoiding people . . .Guess what? It doesn't make me feel better! I know this - in my brain, in my heart - yet here I am. Gaining back 5 of the 30 pounds I had lost, losing my energy, fighting my self-esteem issues . . .I've gotten lost on my journey.
I need to find my way back to the right path. I know it may be a different path than I've traveled before. I just know that I can't go back to where I was when I started this journey back in March. Someway, somehow I need to move forward and keep moving forward. No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself. I'm in a war with myself and I'm the only one that can win it. To be continued . . .
This is an inspirational song for me!
And just a reminder for myself....
I think I have an idea what you are going through...I know the pain of losing a mother, and have struggled with emotional eating for years. 12 years ago I was working out and had lost about 20 lbs. when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The focus on my health shifted to focusing on hers, and the lbs. came back on. After that it seemed I couldn't last more than a few days on a "diet". Stress didn't help, dealing with job, college, problems with Nicholas were just too much. Eventually I got back on track. I started going to weight watchers and working out. Then two things happened. First my dad's illness. During his hospitalization, it was difficult to eat healthy. The hospital cafeteria food was good, but it was difficult to figure out the WW points. Then his passing. I was too depressed to even try. The second things was developing hip pain and heel pain. The heel pain (plantar fasciitis) was so bad I couldn't hardly walk. The hip pain improved when I got away from my desk job, but when I started exercising during my what I call my Better U year, the hip pain worsened. Exercise aggravated it. I tried physical therapy that I couldn't afford to keep up, did stretches that the PT gave me, but nothing helped. The only thing that would help would not exercise! This was not what I wanted to hear. I had learned to enjoy exercise! How could I stop? I pushed on, with medications, but it was horrible. The pain even made it difficult to sleep. Then I had the surgery, and was unable to exercise during my recovery. The pain is gone now, but I just started exercising and I'm not yet back to the level of activity that I was at before. I have started to have a little pain. I want to exercise, but I don't want that awful pain to return. I think the key if finding a middle ground. We have to exercise, but we have to learn to do it safely, and in moderation so not to over stress the joints and muscles that we have trouble with. So if there is anything I can do to help with either the emotional issues, or the physical ones, please call me. I really didn't have anyone to help me through this, but I am here for you...my sister of the heart!
ReplyDeleteIt'll look like a different path, but actually, you are still on the same path... your path... even if it took some twists you don't like, that got you feeling turned around.
ReplyDeleteCareful of the trap of not counting progress that is "getting back" to where you were just because it's somewhere that looks like the places you've been before and wanted to not see again... it's still progress and still counts just as much. 5 pounds lost again is still 5 pounds lost, whether they were regained last week or hanging around from ten years ago.