Grace

This evening as I was doing my run, I spent time praying and thinking.  I've been sad lately, I know why, and I'm trying to stay positive and be strong as this too shall pass. Grief is a sneaky little beast of an emotion. The song, Brokenness Aside, came on my playlist as I was nearing the end of my run and the first part really stuck out to me: 

"Will your grace run out if I let you down, 'Cause all I know is how to run."

As spring is coming, there are so many things that remind me of my Mom. Seeing her Bambi statue in the yard, the jonquils, the forsythia bushes, the redbuds - all the things about spring that she loved. I haven't been able to write about Mom yet, not even sure I can now, but she is always on my mind. She passed away at 90-years-old on July 28, 2014, and a piece of me left this earth with her. Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship, as is the case with a lot of mothers and daughters, but it was magnified because of her mental illness. That part I'm not ready to talk about yet though. I have forgiven her and now there is room for the good memories. I hope she forgave me. So some random thoughts came into my head tonight:  

• I started the Coach 2 5K app the day before what would have been Mom's 91st birthday - maybe I was running from my grief 
• Mom's name is Grace - grace is an amazing thing and something I need to practice more of
• As I was growing up Mom used to take daily walks and tell anyone she saw about Jesus. Even though we didn't live in the best neighborhood she never seemed to be afraid someone would harm her on her walks, after all she had Jesus with her - I'm not afraid to run by myself, I have Jesus with me too
• I have a fear I am going to let everyone, including myself, down if I fail at running the entire 10K in May - I wonder what Mom was afraid at failing at
• I wish I could talk to Mom - I was never able to tell her the Better U program and how I was getting healthier, her mind was slipping the last few months of her life
• Running has become my escape from grief for Mom and my friend Leslie - it has made me feel happy again 
• Jesus loves me - all the time - every broken piece of me
• I really miss Mom
• I see more of myself in Mom everyday and sometimes it startles me 
• I need to spend more time with the people I love before it's too late

Someone sent me this poem after Mom passed and it's so true: 

Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and
perfume that she wore.
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well.
She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a
rainbow. She is Christmas morning.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every teardrop.
A mother shows every emotion .......... happiness, sadness, fear,
jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, 
sorrow... and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good
feelings in life. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's 
the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love; your first friend, even your first enemy, but
nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not 
even death!

 Author: unknown

I miss my Mom and I wish she was here.